A Part of Me
by BlackAngel1
Summary: 1x4. After an accident all he can do is remember...


Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from GW .  
  
_word_ = italics/thoughts  
  
A Part Of Me  
  
I looked at the wall.  
  
There was nothing there. I just looked at the wall.  
  
I was still looking at the wall, but the funny thing was I could no longer see the wall. But that's not true either. I could _see_ the wall, but I didn't _notice_ it. There is a difference. If someone had come through the wall, it might have grabbed my attention, but so far, nothing seemed to do that.  
  
Oh, I know I wasn't alone. My four friends were by my side. I could hear Duo talking about nothing particularly important from in front of me, or was it beside? I didn't care and I still don't. I felt completely empty.  
  
There was a body behind mine; it had been there since the beginning when I had first sat down. How long had that been now anyway? It might have been a few minutes or it might have been a few years, time wasn't important either.  
  
What was I saying? Oh yes, the body. It was warm and I could barely feel it. My own body was numb, devoid of any emotion or pain. Except one part anyway. Beneath the strong arms that held me against the warm body behind me my chest throbbed with a pain I couldn't explain.  
  
It hurt.  
  
It still hurts.  
  
I would have done anything to make it stop.if I had cared. But I didn't care. It was just there, a swollen feeling that seemed to grow with each passing hour. Or was it minute?  
  
One of the arms had moved and there was a hand in mine. It squeezed my fingers. It seemed to burn me so I figured that my fingers were cold.  
  
Cold.  
  
All of me was cold.  
  
I wanted warmth again suddenly, I wanted the body behind me to take me right there, and I wanted him to fill me with warmth and compassion, which I knew he could give me. He had done it before, why not now? Why wouldn't he just lay me back on the bed we were sitting on and then love me with every fiber of his being?  
  
The others.  
  
They were all in the room.  
  
That's why he wouldn't.  
  
But I didn't care. The feeling passed soon and it seemed unimportant, again, like so many other things. My thoughts were far away but even unconsciously I figured that something had to be important. I think my mind went over the important things in my memories, avoiding the obviously painful ones.  
  
It scanned over scenes of which I could remember from fighting. I seemed to be watching a silent movie about a part of my life. And I silently watched as my life ran its course. I met Trowa in battle. I had surrendered to him, not wanting to fight, but still he had exited Heavyarms with his hands in the air.  
  
I watched as Duo saved me again from being smashed by a train when OZ had tricked us. Deathscythe had gotten damaged all because of me and my stupidity. Then we had taken refuge and had been attacked by OZ again, this time endangering lives of innocent civilians.  
  
Then there was the battle, which we had all fought. Except Wufei. Heero had self detonated and had blown up Wing. There was nothing to think about back then our feelings had yet to be discovered within the entities of war. But yet, we were connected. I felt his pain when he had been blown from his Gundam.  
  
There was the time I had been trapped with the Zero system. Actually, that wasn't that long ago. It was the worst thing that had happened, up until now. We had found Trowa, no thanks to me.  
  
The memories should have caused pain or at the very least a guilty feeling, but nothing came. They were not important. None of them are important. Not now anyway.  
  
My mind flashed over the few happy times in my life. It started with the duet Trowa and I had played. Did that mean that that was when I was first happy? Wasn't there anything from before? I watched as we played in a silence that only I could hear. I watched as Trowa's skilled fingers slid along the finger holes of the flute. He was a natural.  
  
I replayed a time when Duo and I were playing video games in one of the estates. He had swore that he'd make me understand Final Fantasy if it killed him. He was still trying.  
  
Many of Wufei's lessons played through my head. He had begun to teach me how to fence, after an incident with Dorothy, which I had been injured. It was just as well, Wufei and I had grown close after that.  
  
There was a memory of a slumber party. Well, nobody would call it that because it seemed to be a girl thing, but we were all lying in front of a large fireplace and we had blankets and pillows around us and we were telling stories, some scary and some just too stupid for words. We had popcorn and pop too. Duo had called it a short vacation because we had a mission the next day.  
  
But the night was filled with more than stories and popcorn and even laughing. It was then that I realized how stunning Heero looked. I caught him staring at me once and I wasn't able to look away from him since then. We both felt it, I knew. While the others laughed and joked around, (yes, even Wufei and Trowa) we stared silently, having a wordless conversation.  
  
His eyes gave everything away to me. I had never noticed how descriptive his eyes had been. Course, I had never looked. I never met their eyes. They were better than I was, they were _right_. I had been born from a tube while they had been born the way real humans were supposed to be born.  
  
From that night on I didn't feel that way much. Heero always had a way of making me feel equal, even to the likes of him which was far beyond anyone living on Earth and the colonies. He was _the_ perfect soldier and sometimes even I forgot he was human too.  
  
My memories blurred for an instant as the picture changed. We were in front of the same fireplace. But this time it was only Heero and I. We had been, how do I put this.'together' for a while, a couple months at least. We had kissed, giving each other our first, but that was long ago. We had gone passed just kissing, though it never got under the sheets.  
  
In front of that fireplace it had changed. He had told me what was in his heart and it surprised me how he worded his feelings perfectly so I could clearly understand them. Not many people could think of Heero using 'undying love' and 'uncontrolled passion' at all let alone in two sentences separated by a mere dot. But he did, and he had said them to me.  
  
I had been taught by others, while a child that a boy could not love another boy. It was wrong and disgusting. I figure they should try it first. What Heero did to me was the farthest thing from disgusting that there was. There's another thing that nobody would have figured out about Heero. He was extremely gentle. And when he had made me bleed after making love for the first time that night he had apologized again and again until finally he accepted my nods  
  
and words  
  
and kisses  
  
and hugs  
  
and sighs  
  
and moans  
  
and sweat  
  
and tears  
  
and blood  
  
and cum as forgiveness.  
  
He had claimed me his many times that night, too many for me to remember. I had been lost in passion and his loving arms. He had held me afterwards and had kissed my lips softly as his fingers caressed my back with the gentleness of a simple feather. I had fallen asleep in his embrace and had woken up there as well.  
  
But even that memory was not important. How could it have not been important? I wanted to ask myself. My love, my soul mate had confessed his undying love for me and I him. He had taken my innocence as I offered it, tainted and unreal. He had loved me and filled me with his love, making me feel equal. He had held me through the night, protecting me from any evil that could have come about.  
  
And if I hadn't been so.out of it, I might have laughed at the 'come about'. I'm not as innocent as everyone suspects. Maybe that was the problem. The innocence I had given to Heero was not the innocence I had claimed it to be. I had not been a virgin as Heero had suspected. I had reclaimed myself years before. I had been captured once when I had started to fight OZ. They had done things that I could not bring up with anyone but I had not let it affect my life.  
  
Why this then? Why did something like this have to affect me? It was not important. It shouldn't have been. Oh, but it was, it was the only important thought in my empty head. My thoughts and memories became a vast of blurry nothingness and again my mind was blank, even the most important memory left me.  
  
The arms around my chest tightened some and I felt a light kiss on my cheek. There were words being whispered in my ear but I couldn't concentrate on listening to them. I did catch a few and they should have made me happy, but they had no effect whatsoever.  
  
".love.Quatre.pilots.help.want.better.love.so much." I knew it was Heero and I wanted to say something back but nothing would come and I couldn't control my body. I couldn't force myself to move. My brain told my body to but it was mutiny and nothing was responding.  
  
I looked at the wall.  
  
There was nothing there. I just looked at the wall.  
  
***  
  
Duo sighed worried about Quatre. He could see the blank look on his friend's face and he wanted anything to see that carefree smile again, even a small one. He looked at Heero who had his arms around Quatre and his chin on Quatre's shoulder. He had been holding Quatre for over a few hours now and Duo could see the effect it had on the perfect soldier.  
  
He was perfect. Especially when it came to his love. He'd fight to protect the small blonde. But now he was helpless. How could he fight something in which he could not see? How could he fight to protect the Sandrock pilot from a feeling, which had already invaded the small body.  
  
Duo looked at Trowa who stood behind Heero, leaning against the wall. Trowa saw him and gently shook his head. Duo bit his lip and glanced at Wufei. He too shook his head.  
  
A small whimper suddenly escaped from the small body. Duo looked, along with everyone else. "Father." The whisper was so soft and almost inaudible, but not to four Gundam pilots. But that was all. There was nothing else from the blonde.  
  
He looked at the wall.  
  
There was nothing there. He just looked at the wall.  
  
  
  
Dija like it? Review please!! 


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